All tagged real talk
Almost exactly three years ago to the day was when I was lifting up my entire life and moving halfway around the world. I haven’t really talked about it much in detail because it’s a super hard thing to talk about. Was it a rash decision? maybe? Do I regret it? Not sure?
They think no one will ever find out or know how shitty of a person they are online. They are probably the types of men that make fake accounts and troll women telling them how ugly or fat they are. They are the men that push you to say yes, when you really just want to say no. They are the men that prey on you and hurt you. This isn’t even the beginning of the screenshots and screenshots I’ve collected over the years.
This past year has been nothing but a rollercoaster. With moving back from Amsterdam late 2017 completely broken and broke— I had a lot of work to do to bounce back. I thought I would bounce back quickly. That getting out of the situation I was in would be enough to make me see that there’s more to life than relationships. Lawd was I wrong. I went back and forth. I tried new things. Forced relationships. Fed off of the high I got whenever someone loved me or gave me attention. Looking back now I realize I was desperate. Desperate for love and attention and interaction that was real. But grasping for it doesn’t make that happen. I grasped in the wrong places- and sometimes even doing it without realizing that I could probably be hurting the other people. And sometimes without realizing I was just hurting myself. I wanted the 10 minutes of good feelings and didn’t care what came after. This is all a part of being a love addict. I ride the high and crash afterwards.
I knew little to nothing about this person and I was immediately falling for him, as I do. I fall hard and fast- but this time I wanted to try things out a little differently. So, I tried to relax. For the first week or so I honestly thought that he hated me for some WHATEVER reason. My friends and I even googled him endlessly to figure out any details about him. hahahaha. My friend at the time helped me to "chill" my inner 5 year old self that freaks out with any kind of relationship with a man. And I was mostly able to do so, and not in a way that diluted anything that was a key part of who I was. Because as I've said in previous blog posts-- I am NOT a chill girl.
This trip was basically a "learn to love the NL again" trip. I was able to find my strength and do things I felt like I could never do whenever I was living there and riddled with anxiety.
Okay so this is where shit gets hard. Because I obviously remember a lot of stuff during this age. A lot of shit happened. I started learning how to deal with my trauma. I realized OH I have anxiety...OH I'm clinically depressed. I got my Bachelors of Fine Arts. I moved across the country. I moved across the world. I had 4-ish major relationships. I loved a lot of people. A lot of people didn't love me back. I was sexually harassed and sexually abused. I made a lot of friends and also lost some of the best ones I've ever had. I worked a lot of jobs. I became temporarily disabled because of a knee injury. I gained a lot of weight. I dealt with a lot of brain stuff. I traveled the world. I published a book. I took nude photos of myself. I shaved my head multiple times.
When I think about all of the things that happened during this span of my life I'm like OMG how will I ever tell you all about everything???!!? Well, SPOILER ALERT, I'm not.
What I've decided to do is think of the major things that happened throughout 11-20 years old and then tell you about those and then also share some hilarious pictures because honestly who doesn't love reminiscing by looking at photos as you were transitioning through puberty. It'll be a good laugh, I promise.
I was honestly the same as a child as I am now at 30 years old. Not scared to get dirty, naked most of the time, but also loved flowers and being pretty.
